My four-fathers!

Halfway through my sophomore year of the boarding high school that I attended, my mother phoned to tell me she was divorcing my 'father'. I could have cared less. I know that sounds cold-hearted but the truth is: I did NOT love him (hated him) and actually prayed for his painful demise. Unchristian? You bet! Oddly fulfilling? Right again! He was my third dad. He was an alcoholic, abusive and (I learned later) that his "personality exhibited borderline paranoid schizophrenic tendencies"! I feel quite confident that his quest for wisdom from 'wise-Bud' only added to his 'condition'. Brown bottles, thick decanters and various juices for mixing were commonplace in our household. I will spare you the details, as they are quite pathetic and frankly very painful. Instead I am choosing to reveal an odd comedy of life with 'dad' number three. I've always believed that a life of tragedy teaches a person (especially kids) all about comedy, survival and acute timing skills e.g. when to duck.

I had a great friend named Mike that also had a drunk for a dad. We would share some of our fears with one another and ultimately learned how to profit from our drunk dads! Mike and I realized that if we 'stiffened' the drinks our dads would reach drunken depths at a faster pace! After a few drinks, Mike's dad would prop himself in the easy chair, I would chat with him and Mike would add high 'proof' to his dad's drink. Just as he was half-lit Mike would ask him for an allowance. His dad would gladly pay. Ten minutes later Mike would ask him again. "His dad would say, "Your kidding", (hiccup) "I am soooooo sorry. I forgot to pay you. Here you go"! he would hand Mike several bills. Perhaps it sounds a bit cruel but Mike would profit and his dad would spend LESS money on booze. After his dad passed out in the chair Mike would walk over and lift his leg up...way up.......and drop it back on the cushioned footstool. It would hit hard and sometimes flop onto the floor. He would do this several times. I always stood next to the door, ready to scramble if his dad woke. He never did. The next day, Mike's dad would be seen limping in the yard, complaining about a sore heel and thigh.